Swedish comedian Magnus Betnér has leaked a confidential Eurovision comedy script
From Betnér's blog:
http://www.magnusbetner.com/2013/05/they-wanted-me-to-be-in-the-eurovision-song-contest/
On request from the production company, Betnér's edited his blog and deleted the sketch after one day. He claims regret at not posting the script sooner -- it might have been changed. Perhaps it will air as below next Saturday? The script was still online today at:
Pretty lame mocking of Sweden. Does such trash effect the millions of Eurovision Song Contest viewers knowing little else of Sweden? Here's the script:
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EXT - SQUARE IN SWEDISH TOWN - DAY The REPORTER is standing
on a square somewhere in Sweden.
The wind is blowing in his hair. It looks cold and damp.
REPORTER After spending several
weeks in Sweden,
I've begun to get an idea as to what the Swedish people are really like. They
are perhaps the loneliest people in the world. This may sound sad, but the
Swedes themselves are not at all unhappy about this.
INT - APARTMENT - DAY The reporter is in a flat. A female is
in the background.
REPORTER The old fashioned family
is becoming somewhat unusual in Sweden,
as more and more Swedes nowadays are either single or divorced.
FACT GRAPHICS Over 40% of the Swedish population live in
single households.
INT - APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
REPORTER The Swedes tend to see
great advantages to living alone. For instance, in an old fashioned family,
there are quarrels: Who did not do the dishes? Who left their dirty laundry on
the floor? In Sweden,
this is very simple...
SINGLE WOMAN (HAPPY) It must be
me! I'm the only one who lives here!
EXT - OUTSIDE ROSENBAD - DAY The reporter walks outside the
government headquarters.
REPORTER In those cases where
the Swedes DO still live in traditional families, both parents take
responsibility for the upbringing of the children. In fact, parenting is
something that Swedish people take extremely seriously.
INT - SITUATION ROOM PÅ ROSENBAD - DAY A group of serious
men and women are seated around a table. One woman in uniform calls the prime
minister on his phone.
DEFENSE MINISTER Mister Prime Minister, Norway
has declared a war on Sweden!
PRIME MINISTER (ON THE PHONE) I see. But why are
you calling me? I am on parental leave.
EXT - OUTSIDER ROSENBAD - DAY (CONT.)
REPORTER "Pappaledig", "föräldraförsäkring", "vabbing". Just like the Eskimos have
a hundred words for snow, the Swedes have a hundred expressions for
"Childcare benefit".
FACT GRAPHICS “Vabbing = taking care of a sick child”.
EXT – OLD TOWN IN STOCKHOLM
– DAY
REPORTER Sweden was the first country in the world to ban corporal
punishment in raising a child. In fact, not even foreign tourists are allowed
to hit their children.
An Italian family is standing on the street. The oldest son
is teasing his younger brother. The dad gets angry.
ITALIAN DAD Merda bambino!
The Italian dad raises his hand towards his son, but then
remembers where he is and looks around. He sees a POLICE OFFICER . The dad
pulls his son closer and whispers.
ITALIAN DAD When we getta home,
I wille give you 18 000 slaps in the face!
EXT - ON THE STREET - DAY The reporter walks along a street.
REPORTER (CONT.) The Swedes are
extremely equal. There are almost no hierarchies to speak of and most work
places use a so called "flat organization". However, this lack of
leadership can sometimes cause confusion.
EXT - AFGHANISTAN
- DAY A group of soldiers are in Afghanistan, in the middle of the
war. They are wearing blue berets and Swedish flags on their UN-uniforms. The
commander is shouting instructions.
COMMANDER All right, we're not
in Sweden
anymore, this is the real deal! Attack on the count of three! One, two - wait,
did you want to say something? The commander suddenly turns to one of the
soldiers.
SOLDIER 1 Yes, I think we should
attack from another angle...
COMMANDER Interesting point.
Anyone else? Maybe we should vote...
Suddenly the COMMANDER is shot dead by enemy fire.
EXT - CHURCH YARD - DAY First, we see a CLOSE UP of a grave
stone, that could be the commander in the last scene. Then, we see The
Reporter, who walks along a path through a church yard.
REPORTER The average Swede does
not believe in God. On the other hand, he or she DOES believe that they will
work less next year and have more time with their families, that sitting too
close to the TV may lead to blindness, and that everything will be fine once
they move to a new home.
PICTURES A happy family sits around a table playing a board
game. A child is sitting extremely close to the TV-screen. A young couple and a
real estate dealer walks into a large, bright apartment.
INT - CHURCH - DAY Inside the church, a priest is preaching.
The Reporter is sitting in the back of the church, whispering.
REPORTER A modern Swedish priest
sounds much like a semi-intellectual 28-year- old who had too much wine...
PRIEST I don't know, this thing
with Jesus. I believe in some kind of higher power, it's like this feeling I
have, you know like...
REPORTER (CONT.) Swedes have
about the same attitude to their priest that they have to their chiropractor.
As long as they're fine they stay away. But when there's a problem, they come
crawling back.
EXT - ON THE STREET - DAY
REPORTER (FORTS.) The Swede will
always avoid a conflict. In fact, traditional insults have no effect on Swedish
people. They will simply take it literally.
Two men are arguing on the street.
One of them is French, the other one is a typical Swede.
FRENCH MAN I fucked your mother!
The Swede is suddenly surprised.
TYPICAL SWEDE What? Really?
That's fantastic! Good for her! She hasn't had much of a sex life since the
divorce from dad. What a lovely surprise!
The reporter is observing from a distance, then continuing.
REPORTER (CONT.) In many ways,
Swedish people are extremely tolerant, for instance towards sexual minorities.
In Sweden,
"fag" is not an insult. But "Homophobe" certainly is...
EXT - FOOTBALL ARENA - DAY A cheer section of the football
audience is chanting.
AUDIENCE The referee is a
homophobe, homophobe, homophobe...
EXT - THE STREET - DAY
REPORTER In conclusion, The
World Value Survey seems to be right. The Swedes are indeed an extreme people.
They are extremely isolated and lonely, but at the same time extremely caring
and tolerant. This odd combination naturally leads to much suppressed
frustration. So where do the Swedes let out their desires and aggressions?
Well... Abroad. In your countries.
The Reporter looks into the camera and smiles.
EXT/INT - ABROAD - DAY/NIGHT Archive pictures of Swedes that
are drunk and behaving badly. They are standing on tables naked, puking etc.
EXT - THE STREET - DAY
REPORTER EXTREMELY fascinating,
isn't it? And yet we've still only scratched the surface. Thank you for
watching and good night.
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Here's typical Sweden from "The Simpsons"
